January felt like it lasted ten years. For me, I think that is largely because it contained some unpleasant events for our family which caused me a lot of fear and anxiety.
At the beginning of January, my husband, son, and I were in the living room about to get ready for bed when the fire alarm in our apartment building started going off. We scrambled to get the bare necessities (baby, diaper bag, car seat, keys) and get out of our third floor apartment as fast as we could. When I opened the door, I immediately saw the building across the little pond in front of our apartment was engulfed in flames. Immediately, I fought back tears and carried my son, wrapped in a blanket inside my coat, down the stairs. I had never seen so much fire. All I kept thinking was “That could have been us. That could have been our building.” as I held my baby close to me. We ended up going to my husband’s cousin’s for the night, but I struggled to sleep as thoughts of flames covering our apartment haunted my thoughts. For days and weeks to follow, I was overcome with anxiety as I obsessed about what I would do if the fire alarms went off again while I was home alone with my baby. My thoughts were occupied with step-by-step plans of what to grab and how to get out as fast as possible.
About 2.5 weeks later, we drove down to Indy (about 2.5 hours south) for my friends bridal shower. On the way back, it had already gotten dark out and began to snow about 30 minutes into our drive. Cars began to slow down as the snow stuck to the ground and compromised drivers’ visibility. We passed multiple cars that were pulled off to the side of the road or had slid into the ditch. I began crying thinking about what could happen to us and our baby. As we approached Kokomo (the first real city you come to after Indy), we made the decision to pull off like all the cars before us and find a hotel to stay for the night. I was so worried about whether we had enough diapers and wipes to last the night and knew we only had one clean outfit left for our son as he had had not one, but two poop blowouts during our trip. We drove towards the hotels on my GPS and while the one we were aiming for wasn’t actually there, we ended up at a La Quinta that looked nice from the outside and was reasonably priced according to their website. If they had a room, I would be happy with it. The Super 8 down the road was not an option in my mind. My husband went in and they not only had a room but they also had a laundry facility we could use to wash our son’s clothes and there was a Dollar General close by where we could get diapers, wipes, and a change of clothes for ourselves. We were saved!
Less than a week later, I was home with my son while my husband was at work when the fire alarm went off. Not again! The second I heard that blaring siren, I knew what it was. It had haunted me for weeks after all. I don’t remember exactly what I was even doing at the moment because fight-or-flight took over and all I could think about was getting my baby and myself out of our apartment as fast as I could. My son was just in a short-sleeve onesie (he gets hot really easily so he frequently is only half dressed during the day) so I put him inside my coat with me, threw on some boots, grabbed the diaper bag and car seat, and ran out the door and down the stairs. The second we got down and couldn’t see a fire, I called to a stranger down the sidewalk to please come help me. He took the car seat as I took the blanket out of it and tried to wrap my son in it without exposing him to the -16 degree windchill. I gave the stranger my keys and asked him to unlock and start my car for me so I could get in the backseat and put some clothes on my baby. As luck would have it, there were three sweatshirts in the diaper bag and no pants (mom fail) so I put a sweatshirt on him with the hood over his head and wrapped his legs in the blanket while holding him close to me in my coat. I called my husband in sheer panic and he left work, picked us up, and took us to his cousin’s once again. As far as I know, no fire was found, but that doesn’t mean the anxiety didn’t come back full force. The guy who lives in the apartment below us pulled the alarm as one of his bedrooms was filling with smoke and he didn’t know why. He was scared after what had happened across the pond just a few weeks prior and I do not blame him at all.
After evacuating our apartment to a fire alarm for the second time in one month, I was full of anxiety and paranoia. My worst fear was that it would happen again, to my apartment, when my husband was not home and sure enough that’s what happened. Add the dangerously cold weather and you have one traumatized mama.
That night as I tried to fall asleep, I just kept replaying the event in my head. Why? Why did this happen again? I was already very much afraid after the first incident. Why was I going through this again? I held my baby as he fell asleep curled up next to me and asked God what he wanted me to learn from all of this. The Bible says God does not give us a spirit of fear and tells us not to be anxious so I knew I had to be missing something since fear and anxiety were overwhelming me.
As I continued to pray, reflect, and listen for God, I heard Him say these things:
“I am in control.”
“Surrender.”
“Trust.”
“Your life is not your own.”
“Your life is but a breath.”
What freaked me out most about all three of these situations was that I felt so out of control. No matter how badly I wanted to protect my baby, I could not fully protect him. That terrified me! How am I supposed to live my life knowing it could all be taken away in a flash?
As I listened, God showed me that in all three scenarios he protected and provided where Troy and I couldn’t. He brought us to the hotel that didn’t exist on our GPS but was reasonably priced, had laundry services, provided breakfast, and was close to somewhere for us to get all the essentials to last the night. He supernaturally kept my baby warm in the frigid cold. We had somewhere to go when we needed to evacuate.
You see, I may not know what the next day or even hour will bring but God does. I can’t control the weather or other people but God can. I can’t keep my son 100% safe from all potential harm but God can. Throughout this month, the enemy has attacked with anxiety and fear in an attempt to cripple me, but God says “I’ve got you. Trust me.”
Our thoughts are powerful. What we set our minds on affects our emotions and thus how we act. If I set my mind on the possibility of my apartment burning down, I’m going to be constantly gripped with fear and worry. My brain would be overcome with plotting the best way to escape and I’d be constantly afraid and anxious. I can’t enjoy my life if I’m living in fear and anxiety. But if my mind is set on God and His character, I can be at peace and trust that we will be taken care of. He promises to provide for us.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7 NLT (emphasis added)
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
-Matthew 6:31-34 NLT (emphasis added)
God knows your needs both present and future. He knows what you need before you even know to ask! He is a good Father who delights in fulfilling the needs of His sons and daughters. Don’t let fear and anxiety steal your joy and control your life. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. Instead of being anxious about our weakness and lack of control, we can surrender it to God and know it’s taken care of while receiving His peace which surpasses all understanding.
When anxiety comes knocking, you have a choice: you can answer and let the devil rob you of your joy or you can lock the door, remind yourself who your God is, and rejoice in knowing He has it all under control.
